BEDA Blog #19 - A Leather Bound Classic

I was losing her. Day after day I could see it in her eyes. She was scared. She longed for adventures and she had become too stable. I couldn’t keep her here, it would just be a cage. I would be her cage. I would rather lose her than have her resent me.

And I knew, how could I be so stupid? I knew what to except. It was why I loved her. So uncomplicated. But then it happened and I couldn't control it. I fell harder and further until it was like I couldn’t breathe when she wasn’t around. And the funny part is, I tried to hide it. I didn’t want her to leave so I concealed my feelings. She isn’t stupid, of course she would find out. You know what is even more funny, she had done it herself too. Fallen for me.

Now, don’t misunderstand me, she isn’t a hypocrite. Neither of us could help it. Last time I check, we were both humans and capable of emotions. Morrie Schwartz said “The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” We both failed at that. I would have rather swam with sharks than admit it. But I’m being hyperbolic. Of course I wouldn’t swim with sharks. I would man up and tell her. And that’s what I did.

And two months later she was scared. We had become too comfortable. Everyday I would come home expecting to see all of her stuff gone and a hand written letter on the counter. Because that is what she did, hand wrote things. I never knew why. Maybe she liked to pretend she was Lizzie Bennett writing to Darcy. I should have asked her. Yet everyday I came home and her things were still there. So I thought, she’s gonna stay. I bought us plane tickets to Alaska. We could see the Northern lights I said. Like you’ve always wanted. She put on a smile and kissed my forehead. That sounds great, she whispered. She could have her adventure and be here too.

Her masquerade was flawless.

It finally happened. We were to leave for Alaska in three days. I walked through the door and stopped in my tracks. A single envelope was on the counter. The heavy cream parchment paper. My name scribbled on the front. For some one who hand wrote things, she did not have great penmanship. In a daze, I picked up the envelope. Going through each room and mentally categorized everything that had been hers. A leather bound copy of Pride and Prejudice she had bought at a flee market. Her tea cup from London. The vanilla and peppermint candles in the living room. Her hairspray in the bathroom. All the little things I had never thought of were like frozen bullet to my chest.

Finally, I came to the bedroom. She was sitting on the bed, her suit case full but opened. In her hand she played with the silver chair she always wore with the small silver locket I’d given her. Saddness was knotted in the back of my throat. Even knowing it was coming didn’t prepare me for the actually moment. It also didn’t help that I thought she would just leave not stay to chat.

Pushing her hair behind her ear, she looked up at me. Small tears, like freshly polished diamonds were on her cheeks. And with that I realized; she didn’t want to leave but she had to. Only because fear of hurting later. I walked over to the bed and zipped her suitcase. I took her hand and stood her up, wrapping my arms around her. I took her face in my hands and kissed her forehead. She handed me the silver chain with the silver locket, picked up her suit case and walked out of the room.

I always kept the letter and locket in a draw in my house, but I never read it. My wife once or twice asked me about it but I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away. I had accepted it. A few months after she left I saw her when I was away on business. Same intense look on her face when she read her beat up leather bound copy of Pride and Prejudice. Steam coming off her cup of tea. Feet tapping to a phantom beat. I did not say anything to her. This is what she had always wanted; the freedom to do as she pleased.